As I approach my 25th birthday I realize that at 17 years old I probably had the same goal as every other 17 year old; go to college, get a job career, get married, own a home, have some babies, travel and live happily ever after, in no particular order. I’ve got the college part down; prayerfully I will be receiving that degree next May and starting a M.B.A. program next fall. I have a decent job but not a career, I live alone but renting, I’ve done some traveling but nowhere near done, and I am living happily…..at times. Four out of seven isn’t bad and I plan to get the ball rolling soon to become a home owner which leaves me without the marriage and babies.
Recently the media has given a lot of attention to black women who have never been married. Statistics show that 45% of black women have never been married which is almost two times more than white women. Honestly, this scares me because when I take a look at the women in my family and surrounding black families, this is a statistic that I cannot argue. 8 years ago most 17 year olds thought they would be married by now. There are several people my age, give or take a few years, I personally know or know of that are married and starting families. I’m positive that for every 20 married women I know, no more than 5 of those ladies are black.
So based on this statistic, add the divorce rate, there is a 60% chance I will be a single parent and leave this earth single or divorced…all because I am a black woman. *sigh*
Now when it comes to men, yes I do have standards. It’s not a complete checklist but there are certain things that need to be in place, qualities one must possess and certain stuff that I refuse to deal with. I want someone who compliments me but at the same time inspires me to be a better person overall. I want someone who wants to live life to the fullest, who would like to travel the world, at least the United States to witness different lifestyles outside of what we are accustomed to. I want a 100% heterosexual man, not one who dips and dabs in other lifestyles. I want my husband to have the ability to carry on a meaningful conversation, not only just capable of telling me why Lil Wayne is or isn’t the best rapper alive. I want someone who is planning for the future even though they don’t know what the future consists of. I want a man who respects himself, me and others, someone I can trust whole heartedly, a man who doesn’t have baby mamas, who isn’t incarcerated, who is STD free, legally employed with a decent wage, posses a drivers license and vehicle and all their teeth, at least a high school graduate, a bank account (I'm not a gold digger, it just amazes me how many grown people dont have bank accounts), goals and aspirations, morals, etc. Here is the kicker; I want these qualities in a black man. At times I asked myself, am I asking for too much? Then I realize that these are the qualities I possess, so how can it be too much? How is asking for your qualities to be reciprocated too much?
I’m no statistician but I believe there is about a 10% chance of me getting almost everything I want in my Prince Charming without settling. I feel really strong about settling but if I want to marry a black man I most likely will have to make some sacrifices, but why?
Somewhere down the line our black men took a left turn. My grandparents were married for over 60 years, but they also got married in the times were black men were actually men, doing man things. My grandmother never worked. She took care of the kids and the home while her husband went out and made a living for the family. He brought home the bacon and she cooked it. Today the roles are reversed; we have women being the primary or sole provider and seeking careers, taking care of the kids, home and sometimes a man who doesn’t contribute a penny to the household. Maybe these women are holding on to the man they have because they know pickings are slim. I am not looking for a free ride, I have no problem with working but you better believe I wont be the only adult in my home bringing in income.
21% of our black men have not graduated high school, 17% are unemployed and 8% are incarcerated, that leaves 54% of black men up for grabs. Then factor in the ones who are either married, not even interested in black women or women at all (all love, no shade), STD infected, have kids they don’t and/or can’t support, or just plain lazy and have no real aspirations or desires, that drops down to about 25% of black men up for grabs. Add the fact that there are 1.8 million more black women than black men in the US and I’m basically doomed.
A lot of women are choosing an alternate route because of these statistics. May it be dating outside the race or lowering standings significantly, but is this a solution to the problem? A quick fix? Yes. A solution? No. All in all, black men need to get their shit together, some of you ladies too. Stop allowing these men to come and go as they please, stop making excuses for inexcusable behavior, stop thinking you need a man to live your life and accepting less than nothing, begin to set standards for yourself, grasp the fact that a man wants to be loved just as much as you, know your worth and start making these men pay!!
But until these men change up, where does that leave me? I’m not opposed to dating outside my race but I haven’t. I can’t even picture it. Do I wait for that man that I’m seeking while my biological clock continues to click and before I know it I’m 30 years old in the same boat (those 8 years since high school flew past)? Do I settle and end up in a situation I will regret? Do I go “Baby Mama” style and pay someone to impregnate me and take on parenting alone? Do I just remain alone for the rest of my life? I’m not interested in any of these options so the only thing I can do is to continue to better myself. Continue my education, continue to complete my goals and strive for higher achievements but then wont high achievements on my end will result in higher standards for my partner? Yeah, I’m doomed.
